The Narcissist

- The Seasons Of Grief: Chapter I - Poem V -

I keep on aging, never learning,

I stay up ‘till dawn, just pacing the room

The shifts at the ER make me forget about working,

Every conversation I’ve lost replays in the gloom

I can’t be left unguarded,

My heart’s too reckless, head’s too tight,

I hold too long, let go too quickly,

Somehow, I’ll still lose the fight

I woke in a sweat from a dream where I was scheming,

I kept on saying “I’m sorry” for my lows,

They blamed me for being distant and leaving,

So, I took their good riddance and made troves

So I’ll try to block out the intrusive thoughts,

Attend therapy and try to unwind this confusing plot

They say I only care about fixing myself and my perception,

I guess I’m the narcissist for craving some redemption

Some days it feels like everyone moves uncaring through their lives,

I keep being locked inside my patterns, building walls out of goodbyes

I try to text my family once a week, but I sometimes forget to remember,

The post-it notes can only go so far to remind me I need to fix my car’s bender

Do you think that I choose to clean for eight hours on Sundays?

It’s part distraction, part “me trying to not be phased”

Do you see the way I measure every step before I land?

You call it clinging, I call it “me trying to withstand”

I wake up breathless from the fears of my vivid dreams,

Where I had a premonition, you disappeared

It wasn’t because you ever left,

But because I only know love laced with fear,

So I’ll try to restructure my unhealthy cyclical habits,

Practice CBT and try to make this story’s ending happy, rather than tragic

They say I only care about cleaning my room and my reputation,

Well, I guess I’m the narcissist for craving some validation

I had the thought that maybe self-care can take many forms,

So I practiced learning ways to cope

They said that I was crazy for wanting something too unconventional,

I’d ask you anyway if you’d want to elope

And I’ll keep on trying to break this cognitive disdain,

Find a new therapist and patch my wounded pain

They say I only care about loving myself and living on my own,

Fine, I am the narcissist for craving some connection